2023 Highlights

These highlight write-ups seem to come around faster each year. My wife recently got a mug that says “The days are long, but the years are short,” in reference to time with our three month old baby, Henry. There definitely seems to be some truth to that statement. Time feels slow some days, but then we find ourselves about to celebrate the New Year and we look back at the last three months and feel like time went by quickly.

I appreciate the opportunity to think of a lot of the positive events that took place over the last year. I certainly have a lot to be grateful for in my life.

Here are my 2023 highlights, which of course cannot include everything:

• The birth of our son, Henry, on September 8th!
• Henry meeting all of our family members and friends
• Seeing Henry’s big smile, every time
• Henry laughing!
• Henry’s first Thanksgiving and Christmas
• Our baby shower for Henry! We had a lot of family and close friends come for a splendid time
• Our health and the health of our family-members and friends
• Time spent walking, cuddling, and having fun with our doggo, Miss Jovi
• Seeing Jovi playing with her dog friends
• My cousin Jonny’s wedding in Petworth, England, with all of my extended family on my Mom’s side. Time spent in England feels special, especially with my Grandma, who is 97 years old
• Both Katie’s, who are Veronica’s good friends, celebrating their weddings with us in attendance
• Being a groomsman in Vince and Brittany’s wedding. We greatly enjoyed all the joking and dancing
• Two weeks after Vince’s wedding, I was a groomsman in Rudy and Lauren’s wedding! We had a blast with all of our Ursinus friends
• To cap off our summer of weddings, we loved Jame’s and Brie’s wedding in August with more Ursinus friends from the past. Veronica was around 36 weeks pregnant at the time and still dancing around
• Our babymoon in Williamsburg, Virginia. We went to each spot of the historic triangle and visited Virginia Beach
• The Hanukkah party at the Skobeloff’s. Everyone loved meeting Mr. Henry
• Being asked to be one of Jonah’s groomsmen for his wedding with Lena. Dudek and his parents were there with us as well that day to meet Henry
• Helping coach the Bristol track and field and cross country teams. Above all, I appreciate working with the students to help them grow and develop in the sport. I have a lot of fun running with them and pacing them in workouts. Our boys 4×8 relay won the district and ran well at states. Our boys cross country team was the first team in school history to qualify for the state meet as a team. Four girls also qualified!
• Working with my students and co-workers at SJU. Lots of big accomplishments and growth for the students in our program
• My colleague’s wedding in October, making that seven weddings for the year!
• All the laughs we shared
• Reading some great books, including Outlive and Master of Change
• Revealing the news about Veronica’s pregnancy to our family members and friends
• All the meals and times shared with our family members and close friends
• Vince’s bachelor party weekend in Philly. I’m getting too old for that kind of fun lol
• The winter series races
• The opportunity to grow and learn
• Feeling God’s love

Reminder of “Momento Mori”

Hearing or reading “remember that you must die,” probably sounds morbid and fear-mongering, but “Momento Mori,” which has roots in Ancient Rome and with the Stoics, serves to remind us that none of us are immortal and we do not know for sure when our time will come to an end.

This makes many of us uncomfortable, with good reason, but also offers the opportunity to ensure we are making use of our time while here on Earth. We are fortunate that we do not have to worry about being eaten by a predator on any given day, as some of our ancestors had to do, but that does not mean we are invincible in young age.

Reflecting on our impermanence can help guide our actions and the direction we take in life.

Knowing we won’t be around forever does not mean we partake in risky behavior every day, but there’s a middle ground we can find. One where we stay disciplined, but also take calculated risks at times or do something different than normal because we recognize our bodies do not survive forever.

Marcus Aurelius, one of the most well-known Stoics, writes in Meditations, “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.”

While I do not want to think about mortality all the time, taking time to contemplate this fact on occasion can motivate me to do what matters most.

Training Block Coming To An End

My relationship with running continues to evolve. At this point, I would still run regularly without racing for my own enjoyment and health. However, I am still somewhat competitive-more so against myself than others-and like the idea of trying to maximize my potential.

I am very grateful for my time running in college. Most importantly, I made life-long friends and enjoyed getting to go to practices and races with them on a daily basis. I also learned so much about running, got to compete collegiately as a student-athlete, and gained a desire to continue running/exercising after college.

With that being said, I never ran as fast as I think I could have run. I am fairly content, but while I am still physically and mentally able I would like to get after things. In college I had the ability to train better, specifically with more mileage on a consistent basis. I do not think I will ever beat my 1500m PR (4:17) unless I get in monster shape, and I am not interested in going after my 800m PR (2:06), but from the full mile (4:50) and up I think I have room for improvement.

Again, I am happy enough to run without racing, but there’s still some fire in my belly. I notice when I am coaching runners as well that I want to see them succeed and get the best out of themselves.

Tomorrow I race a Turkey Trot 5k, which will be the end of my unofficial training block. I have run consistently since the end of June and I am thankful I enjoyed a healthy and fulfilling stretch of training. I plan to take a week off after the race tomorrow and then build a strong base in the winter.

Here are the highlights from this training block:

• Stayed healthy without even a minor knock that kept me from training
• Ran 14 straight weeks over 30 miles– probably a personal record for consistency
• Won three straight road 5k races
• Broke 18 minutes for the 5k at a road race for the first time in a long time!
• Had a blast coaching runners on the local high school team and running with them

Overall, I am enjoying running and hope to stay healthy and competitive moving forward.

Thinking about changes I can make in training, here are a few things I plan to incorporate more of:

• A long run every week or two weeks at a moderate effort
• Strong strides once or twice a week
• More LT work (the pace you can hold for about an hour), including 1K and mile repeats
• Strength work- lifting once a week and doing injury prevention
• Faster intervals as the season progresses

To running! And Happy Thanksgiving!

Take Note of What Brings You Energy

Unless you are like my wife, who can drink coffee at night and often avoid sleep disturbance, most of us drink coffee during the day to provide energy and pleasure. I love a hot cup in the morning to get the day going.

Besides coffee and other substances (some you probably should not take), there are natural ways to get energy. This can look different between individuals and groups, but knowing what gives us energy can be useful and worth investing more time into, despite our busy lives. Similar to finding a flow state, doing things that give us energy helps us “feel alive” and more in-tune with our lives.

While going out drinking with friends may give you a lot of energy, that is something you probably want to do occasionally, not all the time. We are trying to think of things that are generally healthy and possible to do on a regular basis.

For example, what I’ve noticed I gain energy from (typically, not every time):

• Intellectual or deep conversations with Veronica and/or friends

• Going somewhere with Veronica where it is just the two of us with limited phone activity

• Seeing my family and chatting over a meal

• Going for a walk with our doggo, Jovi (great way to start early mornings out of bed)

• Reading a book I’m interested in and want to keep reading

• Laughing

• Simple movements of the body

• Writing about topics related to well-being

• Talking to a friend I have not spoken to in a while

• Going out to eat or just spending time with friends (something we do less as we get older)

Why do I think this list is important for me to keep in mind?

Because we all tend to find ourselves going through the motions at times, most likely when we are tired and have a lot going on in our lives, personally and professionally. Sometimes just lounging about and relaxing is exactly what we need, but if we find we feel like we are wasting time by doing that too often, then being intentional and taking action to do something that provides energy may be the best antidote.

The Two Wolves Within Us

Which wolf are you feeding?

I recently read about a story where an elderly woman is asked how she became so wise, respected, and loved. She replies: “I know that there are two wolves in my heart: a wolf of love and a wolf of hate. And I know that everything depends on which one I feed each day.”

We all have the capacity for love, compassion, and generosity, but we also have the potential for hate, selfishness, and malice. As a human, we’re bound to feel both wolves to varying levels, but thankfully we have some control in the matter of which we feel more.

This concept may seem simple, but can be difficult to fully grasp.

The wolf of hate has actually helped us survive as a species. Our DNA is partially wired to “other” those who are different than us-think back to our ancestors making sure their tribe lived-but thanks to our evolved brains and accompanying wisdom, we know that we can nurture the wolf of love with practice and see the wolf of hate without as much fear and anger. The wolf of hate has some usefulness, such as protecting us in moments of danger, but ultimately should be used sparingly, when needed.

We can use our executive functioning skills to regulate negative emotions, especially in regard to our feelings about people who are different than us.

We need not love strangers as we love our family, but we can at least have some baseline compassion for others. If one has the means, then generosity over selfishness can prevail. Compassion over judgment can lead the way.

This is not easy and I know I need to work hard at it, but with practice we can start to notice important differences.

Find that wolf of love and feed it for yourself and others.

The Importance of Staying Grounded

I recently finished reading Brad Stulberg’s The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Path To Success That Feeds-Not Crushes-Your Soul. I have a healthy skepticism of self-help literature nowadays, but I heard Stulberg speak on a podcast before purchasing the book and his message resonated with me.

He makes the argument that conventional success in our society, such as money, fame, relevance, and followers on social media, are not all that people hype them up to be. While we should strive to accomplish things, more of our time and energy ought to go into focusing on our internal foundation-the ground so to speak-so that we push to reach great heights from a more solid place within us. With this approach, we will probably feel better, perform better, love better, and live a fuller life.

Stulberg offers six principles of groundedness, which are acceptance, being present, patience, vulnerability, deep community, and movement.

I enjoyed his breakdown of each principle, but mostly appreciated his writing style as he blends scientific research with ancient wisdom. He cites plenty of research studies, but also pulls out philosophical ideas from figures such as the Buddha. There is plenty of overlap between science and wisdom that help point us toward improving our lives.

Returning to my skepticism of self-help books, I do not appreciate when self-help is made to seem simple and purely for the sake of pursuing pleasure. I understand that how one feels their best is subjective, but if one takes the approach that they only need to focus on eating ice cream to feel better or they can get a massage at the spa once a week to release all their stress, I would argue that is not true self-care.

Self-care takes hard work and a mix of discipline and compassion. Eating healthy on a regular basis, exercising daily, spending time with loved ones, meditating or praying, self-reflecting in some way such as journaling, all of these take time and effort.

I am not arguing that someone should be like a robot, but if you can create healthy habits, without putting too much pressure or stress on yourself to improve, then chances are that life will be fuller.

Stulberg came up with his book idea after a hike where he recognized the tree is grounded in its many roots. We can all have a stronger foundation if we take time to nurture our inner world, ultimately helping the world around us as well.

Attitude of Gratitude

The slogan “attitude of gratitude” may sound cheesy and silly to you, but there is a lot of truth to be found here.

I’ve been having a difficult time lately accepting some things, from work frustration to knee pain that’s keeping me from running, one of my favorite things to do. I feel challenged right now and I am noticing a lot more anxiety and stress. Challenges, though, offer the opportunity to step up, persevere, and produce positive change.

But a lot of anxiety and stress is ultimately unnecessary suffering, as Buddhists would point out.

Trying to cultivate more gratitude for what we have in our lives can be massively beneficial, for anyone. Here is a list of some things I am grateful for today and pretty much every day:

• God
• Veronica, my lovely wife
• Family
• Friends
• Jovi, our doggo
• Community
• Health
• Laughter
• Delicious food
• Movement
• Work
• Shelter
• Ethics
• Science
• Writing
• Reading
• Our precious human birth

Actively thinking of these things and actually writing them down can be so helpful. Hope you feel grateful!

Let’s Talk Happiness

We all know what happiness means, although some people would differentiate between true happiness and fleeting pleasures, such as being married to your best friend versus eating your favorite ice cream. But we can all agree on the basic idea that happiness involves feelings of joy, delight, glee, contentment, etc.

I recently read The Book of Joy, authored by the Dalai Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Abrams. Basically, the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop met for close to a week where they discussed various topics related to joy, including the nature of joy, the obstacles to it, and what they termed the eight pillars of joy. Abrams, a journalist and author, participated in these conversations and crafted what was discussed into this book.

I would definitely recommend reading the book as the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop each have amazing stories from their past and they are full of wisdom that can be applied to anyone’s life.

A photo of the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop showing off some moves.

I took a lot from the book, but one thing that Abrams pointed out was a study on happiness conducted by the psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, who suggests that about half of our happiness is determined by factors like genes and temperament, so things mostly out of our control, while the other half is determined by a combination of our circumstances, which we have limited control over, and then our attitudes and actions, over which we exert much control.

Lyubomirsky pointed out three main factors that can have the greatest influence on increasing our happiness. The three are:

1. Our ability to reframe our situation more positively
2. Our ability to experience gratitude
3. Our choice to be kind and generous

I really like these three factors because they are easy to understand, practical, and effective when you try them yourself. Now, keep in mind this does not mean you should just feel happy when something bad or tragic happens. However, concerning most situations in life, we can reframe our perspective in a more positive manner, keep in mind all that we have to be grateful for, and remain kind and generous toward others, even when things get tough.

The Benefits of Negative Visualization

Stoicism, a branch of Hellenistic philosophy founded by Zeno around 304 BC, is designed to help make people happier, more resilient, more virtuous, wiser, and more. Practiced by Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and other famous leaders and thinkers from history, Stoics want people to be better, for themselves and others.

One technique they practice involves negative visualization, where one actually takes time to think about what can go wrong. We usually get the opposite advise, told to imagine all the positive outcomes and goals we can achieve. While this is important, imagining the bad outcomes can help you better prepare for potential obstacles on the way.

The way I like to use this exercise is to imagine how much worse a situation could be compared to what is actually happening. Maybe I did not feel as motivated at work today, but then I can imagine others who are unemployed. Perhaps I slept restlessly, but then I can remember to be thankful for a comfortable bed, compared to those who are homeless. Let’s imagine that one night I wanted a better meal for dinner, then I remember those in the world who are perpetually hungry. The list can go on and on to more drastic examples.

As my Mom would often tell me when things were off for some reason or another, “at least we are healthy and none of us have cancer.” Maybe a bit morbid? Yes, but also true and powerful. Let’s be grateful and remember that we have a lot, knowing things could be way worse.

Living by Values

Where do people find meaning in life? Religion offers a lot of guidance to many, but more and more people identify as atheists. I think most of us feel, maybe sporadically at times, that there is a deeper meaning to our existence, even those who have no religion. Many just don’t agree with worshipping a deity we don’t have scientific evidence to see.

I do believe in God and the bigger picture, but I think humans try too hard to explain much of what we don’t know. I am okay with accepting the mystery in life, but believe there is more to us beyond what we are aware of .

Now, whether someone believes in a higher power or not, we must be able to agree as humans on some basic expectations. This is why we have laws. You can’t harm someone for no reason and not expect consequences.

As a counselor and also as an individual outside of my profession, I see the importance of identifying what we value and working hard to make sure our actions align with those values.

When we do not take time to reflect on how we are leading our lives, we may feel a little lost or like we are on auto-pilot all the time.

Pinpointing what we care about can help us plan what we do with our time, such as matching our career choice to our values, prioritizing our health and relationships, and more.

I often think of my values, which happen to tie to Buddhism and Christianity. I feel connected to both religions and look to Buddha and Jesus for guidance on ideal ways to live life with meaning. Loving our neighbor, doing no harm, acting for the better good, and purifying our mind and heart.

Life can be hard in many ways and looking to our values can help us know we are on a positive path, accepting that we are not perfect beings.