Reminder of “Momento Mori”

Hearing or reading “remember that you must die,” probably sounds morbid and fear-mongering, but “Momento Mori,” which has roots in Ancient Rome and with the Stoics, serves to remind us that none of us are immortal and we do not know for sure when our time will come to an end.

This makes many of us uncomfortable, with good reason, but also offers the opportunity to ensure we are making use of our time while here on Earth. We are fortunate that we do not have to worry about being eaten by a predator on any given day, as some of our ancestors had to do, but that does not mean we are invincible in young age.

Reflecting on our impermanence can help guide our actions and the direction we take in life.

Knowing we won’t be around forever does not mean we partake in risky behavior every day, but there’s a middle ground we can find. One where we stay disciplined, but also take calculated risks at times or do something different than normal because we recognize our bodies do not survive forever.

Marcus Aurelius, one of the most well-known Stoics, writes in Meditations, “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.”

While I do not want to think about mortality all the time, taking time to contemplate this fact on occasion can motivate me to do what matters most.

The Two Wolves Within Us

Which wolf are you feeding?

I recently read about a story where an elderly woman is asked how she became so wise, respected, and loved. She replies: “I know that there are two wolves in my heart: a wolf of love and a wolf of hate. And I know that everything depends on which one I feed each day.”

We all have the capacity for love, compassion, and generosity, but we also have the potential for hate, selfishness, and malice. As a human, we’re bound to feel both wolves to varying levels, but thankfully we have some control in the matter of which we feel more.

This concept may seem simple, but can be difficult to fully grasp.

The wolf of hate has actually helped us survive as a species. Our DNA is partially wired to “other” those who are different than us-think back to our ancestors making sure their tribe lived-but thanks to our evolved brains and accompanying wisdom, we know that we can nurture the wolf of love with practice and see the wolf of hate without as much fear and anger. The wolf of hate has some usefulness, such as protecting us in moments of danger, but ultimately should be used sparingly, when needed.

We can use our executive functioning skills to regulate negative emotions, especially in regard to our feelings about people who are different than us.

We need not love strangers as we love our family, but we can at least have some baseline compassion for others. If one has the means, then generosity over selfishness can prevail. Compassion over judgment can lead the way.

This is not easy and I know I need to work hard at it, but with practice we can start to notice important differences.

Find that wolf of love and feed it for yourself and others.

The Importance of Staying Grounded

I recently finished reading Brad Stulberg’s The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Path To Success That Feeds-Not Crushes-Your Soul. I have a healthy skepticism of self-help literature nowadays, but I heard Stulberg speak on a podcast before purchasing the book and his message resonated with me.

He makes the argument that conventional success in our society, such as money, fame, relevance, and followers on social media, are not all that people hype them up to be. While we should strive to accomplish things, more of our time and energy ought to go into focusing on our internal foundation-the ground so to speak-so that we push to reach great heights from a more solid place within us. With this approach, we will probably feel better, perform better, love better, and live a fuller life.

Stulberg offers six principles of groundedness, which are acceptance, being present, patience, vulnerability, deep community, and movement.

I enjoyed his breakdown of each principle, but mostly appreciated his writing style as he blends scientific research with ancient wisdom. He cites plenty of research studies, but also pulls out philosophical ideas from figures such as the Buddha. There is plenty of overlap between science and wisdom that help point us toward improving our lives.

Returning to my skepticism of self-help books, I do not appreciate when self-help is made to seem simple and purely for the sake of pursuing pleasure. I understand that how one feels their best is subjective, but if one takes the approach that they only need to focus on eating ice cream to feel better or they can get a massage at the spa once a week to release all their stress, I would argue that is not true self-care.

Self-care takes hard work and a mix of discipline and compassion. Eating healthy on a regular basis, exercising daily, spending time with loved ones, meditating or praying, self-reflecting in some way such as journaling, all of these take time and effort.

I am not arguing that someone should be like a robot, but if you can create healthy habits, without putting too much pressure or stress on yourself to improve, then chances are that life will be fuller.

Stulberg came up with his book idea after a hike where he recognized the tree is grounded in its many roots. We can all have a stronger foundation if we take time to nurture our inner world, ultimately helping the world around us as well.

Living by Values

Where do people find meaning in life? Religion offers a lot of guidance to many, but more and more people identify as atheists. I think most of us feel, maybe sporadically at times, that there is a deeper meaning to our existence, even those who have no religion. Many just don’t agree with worshipping a deity we don’t have scientific evidence to see.

I do believe in God and the bigger picture, but I think humans try too hard to explain much of what we don’t know. I am okay with accepting the mystery in life, but believe there is more to us beyond what we are aware of .

Now, whether someone believes in a higher power or not, we must be able to agree as humans on some basic expectations. This is why we have laws. You can’t harm someone for no reason and not expect consequences.

As a counselor and also as an individual outside of my profession, I see the importance of identifying what we value and working hard to make sure our actions align with those values.

When we do not take time to reflect on how we are leading our lives, we may feel a little lost or like we are on auto-pilot all the time.

Pinpointing what we care about can help us plan what we do with our time, such as matching our career choice to our values, prioritizing our health and relationships, and more.

I often think of my values, which happen to tie to Buddhism and Christianity. I feel connected to both religions and look to Buddha and Jesus for guidance on ideal ways to live life with meaning. Loving our neighbor, doing no harm, acting for the better good, and purifying our mind and heart.

Life can be hard in many ways and looking to our values can help us know we are on a positive path, accepting that we are not perfect beings.

Inner Peace Takes Practice… Lots of Practice

Almost anything worthwhile takes time and practice.

This includes relationships, athletic or academic endeavors, and oh, you know, lasting inner peace. 

A talented runner can show up any day of the week and race well. With that being said, they’re not running near their potential if they are not putting in the necessary work beind the scenes in preparation.

Similar to karma, doing the right thing, over and over again, even when boring or tedious, compounds and builds.

I run quite a bit. Not nearly as much as others, but more than your average workout guy. I’m trying to buy into the long-term game with a belief that it will take years of consistency to reach my best. As humans, we find it hard to conceptualize far down the line and usually prefer instant gratification. That 35 minute easy run where I make myself slow down so I can recover better before the next workout is not always easy and sometimes harder to do correctly than an actual workout.

I was listening to a podcast with beloved meditation teacher Jospeph Goldstein and he made the point that cultivating peace within us takes time.

It is worth noting that the Buddha said “The highest happiness is peace.”

Yes, there are different levels of happiness.

Eating my favorite ice cream with loads of sprinkles may bring me temporary happiness, but this is fleeting and often only brings on more craving.

The highest happiness involves a peace and contentness in almost any situation.

This takes a lot of practice. 

This is not some faulty optimism that anyone can fake. Nor is happiness appropriate in certain situations, like when a family member dies.

Peace can go beyond happiness. From what I can gather, peace contains a real inner wisdom from years of practice.

Contrary to what some might think, the quieter our minds, the happier we are.

How can we do this? By paying attention and making the day count. 

Formal meditation practice and consistent mindfulness practice in day-to-day activities have been shown from plenty of research studies to have multiple benefits, mentally and physically.

But it’s not easy to do. Anyone who tells you that it is easy probably does it wrong.

It can be intimidating to think of the long game, but ironically and thankfully, the mindfulness spiel is primarily focused on now, the present. 

The Path is the Goal. 

Having an aim/goal is important, but there is value in recognizing we only have one day at a time. What we do each day will compound over time.

Whether I ultimately run the time I want in a race is not as important as the day in, day out efforts.

I’ve got so much work to do on my mindfulness path, my career path, my relationships path, my athletic path, and more. Thankfully, I can start right now.

 

Character is Fate

From Heraclitus (Greek philosopher) and popular through the Stoics:

First off, this quote was brought to my attention from one of the emails I receive each day from the daily stoic. The link to where you can subscribe to recieve their emails (one a day, totally free and no advertisement messages):

Daily Stoic

*The emails are usually shorter and contain a lot of knowledge*

I came across the Stoic philosophy within the last year and really enjoy learning about their ideas and lessons. There are certainly some similarities with Buddhism. A quick google search will tell you more, but one thing that sticks with me is their idea that a happy and healthy life requires the cultivation of  an excellent mental state, which comes through virtue and rationalism. One should recognize that our time here is limited and we should actively try to make use of it.

The Stoics were certainly ahead of their time. 

I am not offering a blanket endorsement, of course, but I think everyone could benefit from learning about other philosophies and ideas different from their own beliefs. Anyone can find nuggets of wisdom from the Stoics that they can use in their own lives.

Back to the quote…

 

To me, this concept is very similar to karma.

If one reaches wealth and success through ambition and persistence but acted primarily through greed and corruption, something comes back to bite. Even if they are incredibly wealthy and successful their entire lives, inside they may be full of regret and living with an internal hell.

Good character goes a long way and arguably makes up the core of a person. I realize that people I admire have really strong character.

Our actions matter and accumulate.

 

 

 

Focus On Less, Not More

Humans think a lot. Like I mean, A LOT. 

I can only see into my own mind, but from what I’ve heard and understand, most us have a constant stream of thoughts running through our heads. We really only get respite during sleep, but even then, our minds are “thinking,” even if we are not consciously aware.

We all have a monkey mind. 

Now, thinking seems to be an evolutionary advantage that helps us achieve amazing accomplishments as humans. Thinking can also be loads of fun. I enjoy getting to sit here, thinking about what to write next. However, thinking can also really hinder us and cause unnecessary suffering. We tend to forget sometimes that thoughts are just thoughts. We get to choose how to respond to them, if at all.

Everyone knows that worrying about an event, such as a race or a test, is actually worse than the actual event itself.

I think that part of our problem is the inclination to think about a lot of different things, trying to multitask and focus on more. Our mind goes from one thing to the next without much pause or reflection.

I am trying to focus on less.  

There is so much I don’t know, but I have a good idea of what makes me better and happier.

I am intent to focus on:

-My relationships (being a better son, brother, fiance, and friend)

-My work and service for others

-Eating healthy

-Sleep (shoot for 8!)

-Running and strength

-Mindfulness (lifestyle) and meditation

-Spirituality

Thoughts on “The Mystery of Life”

I am watching “The Sopranos” on HBO GO and loving the show. During a recent episode Tony is talking with his therapist, Dr. Melfi, about his son Anthony Jr’s recent behavior. Tony is concerned about Anthony’s casual rhetoric and ambivalence regarding the purpose of life. Dr. Melfi points out that Anthony Jr. is entering his adolescent years and existential questions are common for someone his age. She goes on to say “well that’s the mystery of life isn’t it, why are we here?”

Why are we here?

Such a simple, yet profound question.

Many would offer that a divine being created our existence. Deists would stop there and say there is no divine intervention beyond our creation. Theists would argue that their divine being(s) gives us purpose. Finally, atheists would say that there is no divine being at all and we are simply here because of evolution. Then there are those who believe in reincarnation, which does not really fit one of the above categories. Of course there are other general viewpoints, but those cover the main ones I would think.

What do I believe?

I’m not really sure, as I don’t think others are, thus the msytery of it all.

I would like to think there is a divine being out there who wants what’s best for us. What challenges this belief is that the world is full of so much tragedy and unnecessary suffering. Many of us in well-off areas struggle to remember this fact. With that being said, I’ll take my chances and continue to believe that there is one.

Whatever anyone believes, I think there are universal ethics we could agree upon to make the world a better place.

Civilized societies have done an amazing job of putting laws and rules in place over time. Without these, there would be chaos.

There are also incredible individuals who have contributed to society in great ways.

All in all, we are responsbile for our own actions. Free will is a different discussion, but we do have the ability to make our own choices. 

Why do I like Buddhism so much? Because there is more emphasis on actions, rather than just beliefs. Buddhism offers a guide to an ethical way of living. 

One of my goals over my short winter break coming up is to go to a Quaker meeting. Why there? Quakers sit in silence during a meeting and only speak if they feel compelled by God, or the inner light within. For me, this set-up offers a nice combination of what I’m looking for as I can meditate and potentially hear valuable insights from others.

While one could technically be happy and well being totally alone in a cave, our relationships with others, in combination with our relationship with ourselves, is the focal point of our well-being.

With all the craziness in our world, I think we could use more spirituality, for sure. 

“The highest happiness is peace.” -Buddha … LOVE IT

Distractions on Distractions

Short post here, but I’ve been thinking about how distracted we all are most of the time. The following is a big generalization of the Western world, primarily us USA lot. I am not as sure about the East, although I’m sure distractions pervade their culture as well. Most of us are distracted, and we know it if we take a step back and think about it. 

If you have ever tried meditation, you hopefully became somewhat aware of how much your mind tends to wander in thought. The mind will go from one thought to the next and we don’t even realize what just happened.

This is not a bad thing in and of itself-it can be quite good for creativity and reasoning-but too much being lost in thought certainly can be harmful over time and separates us from what is going on at any given moment within us and right in front of us.

I think most of us it find it hard to simply sit still and not react habitually. We tend to reach for our phone, pull out the laptop, turn on the TV, partly because it’s SO EASY. Letting things play out without reacting and looking for a distraction is HARD. 

The East contains a lot of ancient wisdom that I am trying to learn with time. One consistent theme is meditation and a collectivist culture. In the West, we tend to pride ourselves on our individualistic approach and autonomy. I would guess that both have their pros and cons, but personally I think I long for that collectivist aspect more and more.

Distractions will happen, but I think learning to come back to the present is incredibly valuable. With constant distractions our relationships suffer, our own mental well-being suffers, and we forget about our body. 

I am not trying to be a hypocrite here and I don’t want to sound like a lecturer. I get distracted all the time and I am ready to get back to consistent meditation practice and more mindful attention throughout the day. This practice is rather challenging, but I think I’ve realized it’s very useful and perhaps necessary for a sane society.

I recently learned that warrior means “one who is brave.” I love this. Time to be a warrior for the greater good of self and others. 

 

Worth a Listen

Sometimes you really can learn a lot from shorter YouTube clips. One of my favorite things to do when I’m hungry for information and inspiration. This is absolutely worth a listen. Lots of wisdom clearly articulated with energy and empathy.