The Two Wolves Within Us

Which wolf are you feeding?

I recently read about a story where an elderly woman is asked how she became so wise, respected, and loved. She replies: “I know that there are two wolves in my heart: a wolf of love and a wolf of hate. And I know that everything depends on which one I feed each day.”

We all have the capacity for love, compassion, and generosity, but we also have the potential for hate, selfishness, and malice. As a human, we’re bound to feel both wolves to varying levels, but thankfully we have some control in the matter of which we feel more.

This concept may seem simple, but can be difficult to fully grasp.

The wolf of hate has actually helped us survive as a species. Our DNA is partially wired to “other” those who are different than us-think back to our ancestors making sure their tribe lived-but thanks to our evolved brains and accompanying wisdom, we know that we can nurture the wolf of love with practice and see the wolf of hate without as much fear and anger. The wolf of hate has some usefulness, such as protecting us in moments of danger, but ultimately should be used sparingly, when needed.

We can use our executive functioning skills to regulate negative emotions, especially in regard to our feelings about people who are different than us.

We need not love strangers as we love our family, but we can at least have some baseline compassion for others. If one has the means, then generosity over selfishness can prevail. Compassion over judgment can lead the way.

This is not easy and I know I need to work hard at it, but with practice we can start to notice important differences.

Find that wolf of love and feed it for yourself and others.

The Importance of Staying Grounded

I recently finished reading Brad Stulberg’s The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Path To Success That Feeds-Not Crushes-Your Soul. I have a healthy skepticism of self-help literature nowadays, but I heard Stulberg speak on a podcast before purchasing the book and his message resonated with me.

He makes the argument that conventional success in our society, such as money, fame, relevance, and followers on social media, are not all that people hype them up to be. While we should strive to accomplish things, more of our time and energy ought to go into focusing on our internal foundation-the ground so to speak-so that we push to reach great heights from a more solid place within us. With this approach, we will probably feel better, perform better, love better, and live a fuller life.

Stulberg offers six principles of groundedness, which are acceptance, being present, patience, vulnerability, deep community, and movement.

I enjoyed his breakdown of each principle, but mostly appreciated his writing style as he blends scientific research with ancient wisdom. He cites plenty of research studies, but also pulls out philosophical ideas from figures such as the Buddha. There is plenty of overlap between science and wisdom that help point us toward improving our lives.

Returning to my skepticism of self-help books, I do not appreciate when self-help is made to seem simple and purely for the sake of pursuing pleasure. I understand that how one feels their best is subjective, but if one takes the approach that they only need to focus on eating ice cream to feel better or they can get a massage at the spa once a week to release all their stress, I would argue that is not true self-care.

Self-care takes hard work and a mix of discipline and compassion. Eating healthy on a regular basis, exercising daily, spending time with loved ones, meditating or praying, self-reflecting in some way such as journaling, all of these take time and effort.

I am not arguing that someone should be like a robot, but if you can create healthy habits, without putting too much pressure or stress on yourself to improve, then chances are that life will be fuller.

Stulberg came up with his book idea after a hike where he recognized the tree is grounded in its many roots. We can all have a stronger foundation if we take time to nurture our inner world, ultimately helping the world around us as well.